Saturday, July 11, 2015

Feelings (or Bearing Crosses)

Today I'm feeling down about a 3rd pregnancy. I've been cutting out excess carbs (and increasing fats), so that's part of it (I'll be posting about Diet and HG soon). I'm feeling nauseous as my body adjusts. It feels exactly how my pregnancy nausea feels. That "always on the verge of puking" feeling with little energy. Unable to care for the kids - though we're at Gramma and Grampa's, so it's a moot point...Mama's not as fun as they are anyway. (Which is how it should be, no?)

It's a keen reminder of WHY I'm making some hard changes: because I DON'T want to feel this way for the greater part of 9 months. It also brings up fears. The fear of HG in pregnancy isn't just that I'll have it again, it's that it will be worse. It's also the fear of missing nearly an entire year of children's lives. It's also the fear of being alone again. It's the fear of never experiencing the joy of a new child again because of HG's control over the whole experience. It's the fear of raging depression and darkness that was so consuming it took years to heal from. 

But then I'm reminded how much better my second pregnancy was, with comparatively minimal changes to what I'm doing now. I'm reminded that I have family and friends so close by that it won't feel lonely. I'm reminded that I am part of a faithful church community that will anoint with me oils and prayers. And it reminds me how very small I am. It's overwhelming. It reminds me that if Christ bore His cross for me, then I can bear this cross for my children. 

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